Where do i start….. Wednesday was one scary ass day for me,
First off it started with me getting up and all with the kids getting all 3 kids off to daycare the day hadn’t started off to good, i was getting some pretty bad lower left hand side pains, plus the boys had hid my patches as well so the day was not going to a good start… I was meant to have a dentist appointment as well, tough the amount of pain tat i was in i didnt really want to go to the dentist.. so i cancelled it and made it for another day, though did make a doctors appointment so i could get this pain seen to as i knew something was wrong i had never really been in this much pain for this long unless i was in labor….
Any how i went and done the shopping felt a small gush or liquid didn’t think to much of as i just thought it could of been a little bit of discharge.. started putting the shopping away got all that done, put the dishes on ad don a load of washing… i had a massive pain the doubled me over and i couldnt move all i wanted to do was cry… once the pain eased i had a massive urge to go to the bathroom, i went and peed then when i wiped i looked at the toiled paper it was bright red and had clots all over it, i stood up and looked in the bowl it was ju st red and had a heap and i mean a HEAP of blood clots in it, i had just full on hemorrhaged i looked in the mirror my face was white as could be, around my eyes were dark and i was dizzy as anything, I called 000 straight away
i will right more later have to help with the kids
Until my hear re shatter’s again… people keep telling me that this day wil get easier and easier though its not if anything its getting harder and harder… as i am thinking about wha the should be doing now, how he would look, how his voice would sound…. and how he wuld be with his brothers ans sister… and just how my life would be knowing i didnt have to walk around with this hole in my heart
SO now stupid me is sitting here crying just thinking about all the things that he could of should of been doing…
I am so sorry hat i haven’t really posted in a while, thing have just been really getting to me,
There is so much that i want to say though just dont honestly know how to say it all, plus this is so much going on that i just want to get out its really hard to just blurt it all out, …yes yes i know… for one i am finding it hard to say things… a tad bit of a shock hey… LOL….
First off it has been 15 days since i had my last smoke, feeling quite goo about it, though also missing it at the same time.. though i know i am better of not smoking and i will feel better about it in time 🙂 Im still on the patches now, though only on te final step now, 5mg/16hour patch, so ill be on hem for a week or two then be off them….
Jade is doing well, she is a little porker, jade is now on solids either 2 or 3 times a day now, just depends on how hungry she is…
thats all i have time to post now, as jade is awake and hungry!!!!!! ill getback on later and post more then
So looks like the home buisness that i put a lot of work into has failed 😦 I have done one promo with a free bracelet thinking that would hep get customers, i have donated a bracelet to a charity for an auction, the winner o the auction gets to choose their own bracelet, and i have now donated a $15 gift voucher to another charity to help raise much needed funds….
What am i doing wrong? are the charms that ugly? i know i dont have it priced to high as i dropped all my prices, maybe i should just give up 😦
I’m meant to be writing everything down to be placed into a book and in all honesty i have no idea where to start with it, i am meant to be writing about my life, though so much has happened in my almost 26 years of life its hard to know where to start, some things are really painful to write/re live, and i know that they are the good ones to add in..though i am also worried as there is a lot of stuff that has happened that that a lot of family and friends don’t know about as i have been to hurt or ashamed to tell them or just to worried about how their reaction would be, so i guess what a good way for everyone to find out hey,why not read about it in a book LOL,
I have so much hat i do want to write about though as i said i have no idea where to start
Im sorry though i am such an emotional mess at the moment,
Im so over people telling me how Lucky i am that i never went to term with my kids, that i had them early. I am so over hearing about people bitch they have had enough and want their baby out, i know i used to bitch when i was pregnant that i was over it, though i was having constant contractions every day, some days lasting fr up to 6 hours before they would stop,
I have had to bury a child… one of the hardest days of my life, i had to lower that little white casket down into a whole where my son would lay for all eternity, never know who his mummy and daddy was, never getting to feel our touch never getting to know our love…. he was born to early
I have had another son, that i watched for 88 days ofhis life fight for his life, i watched him go to hell and back just so he can be here with us now, he might be behind other children his own age and he might be slow though he is one hell of a fighter,
I have had another son i fought for 10 weeks straight in hospital to keep him inside, laboring for days on end trying to keep him in….
then i have my special little girl, who was born severely sick and we were told to say good bye to when she was born, though she has fought hammer and tongs to be here now, yes she has a disability though so what, she has a smile that can brighten up a room,
so the next person to bitch to me about being pregnant and wants it to be over with, count yourself lucky suck it up and just fucking deal with it,