Mirror Mirror

mirror mirror on the wall
can you tell me whos that girl
that is right there staring back at me

That reflection is not me
I do not know
Who’s staring back at me,

 

Behind the crying eyes,

standing behind all the lies,

The person standing there is not me,

i used to be so happy

i used to be so healthy,

Now i am just skin and bone,

no energy and yet i stand before you all alone,

Not knowing where to stand

not knowing where to hide,

I feel like i am going out of my mind,

 

My heart is racing,

my hands are shaking,

trying to catch my breath before i pass out

When all i want to do is shout,

 

feeling so out of control,

Felling the world has slipped through my hands,

nothing ever goes right,

i just feel constantly sad,

 

Mirror Mirror on the wall,

Please tel me who is the girl

thats standing right in front of you,

as that girl is not me,

I have never seen her before

 

 

 

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Hectic

So I haven’t really posted anything for a while. So I thought I would do a quick post on my phone while I’m having a cupper.

It’s been a pretty full in week this week from doing the markets last Sunday ( made like $200 profit ) to having physicist appointments to getting a new job and leaving my old job

I have a nice weekend planned for Daniel and I, I can’t go into detail as he doesnt know about it yet all I can say is it’s going to be a good one

I start my new job in Tuesday and I’m really looking forward to it, it will be a bit of a challenge though should be good and I should be good at it.

Jade is just about to get her third tooth, mum had her standing up yesterday and jade comes up to Jason’s shoulders I think she is going to be tall

The boy are well……… Themselves very testing and trying, pushing boundaries and seeing just how far they can push me, we are toilet training Jason he seems to be doing pretty well at it he spent the best part of the day yesterday in undies and only has one accident as deacan wouldn’t get off the toilet so Jason could go.

For me I am getting there I am having my good days and bad days though with therapy things should be good I have out on weight I am now 43.2kg I really thought I had lost weight though now I am borderline hospital admitting so I really need to try my hardest to gain the weight..

Well that’s it for now I will try to keep posting I would like to at least make one post a day even if it’s not much though yeah until next time take care be safe and most of all be happy xxoo

Due date

My little boy should of been born this day 4 years ago and not 17 weeks before hand….

This day is a constant reminder. It’s like a kick in the guts that says

ha ha ha sucked in. You child should of been born now though sucked in it didn’t happen

Though I’ll soldier on like I do every year knowing that I can’t charge what happened and now coming to terms as had as it is with I couldn’t of done anything more than what I did

I love you honey I always did and always will

happy due date Bryce xxx

Sadness

This post has taken me a while to write though i think i need to write his, more so for me rather than any one else,

 

Loosing a child is what i think is the most heartbreaking thing a parent can ever go through, as its an intense pain to start with though it never leaves you, it is always there and then there is the constant reminders that you have every day that you child has been taken from you, and you will never see that child grow up and reach all the achievements that he or she would of reached if they lived

 

My child died as a baby, before i really got to know him, or see how his life would of turned out, My son passed away at 23 weeks gestation when i went into unexpected labor, that resulted in a placental abruption, That required me to have 2 blood transfusions at the same time, being on a drip for fluids, also being on an IV to be induced, and having blood thinners going into me all at the same time,

 

I remember screaming at the surgeons, doctors and nurses to cut me an to get him out though they wouldn’t as his survival rate through delivery  was only sitting at 20%,  They told Daniel and I that he wouldn’t survive, and that my life look preference,  I dont remember to much of his delivery, i remember looking over at Daniel and being white as a ghost and telling him i didnt want to do this anymore an that i as tired and just wanted to sleep, i remember Daniel telling me i had to stay awake and that sadly i had to do it, the next thing i know its dark  though i can hear the doctors, Nurses, Surgeons and Daniel all telling me to stay awake and to breath…. After that i dont remember what happened, just that next thing i know i am gasping for breath and i look over at Daniel and he is crying, i dont think i have ever seen a male with so many tears streaming down their face,  though not long after all that happened, the nurse put the Doppler on my belly and his heartbeat was no longer there, and he had stopped moving, my little boy was gone,  he had passed away, 30 mins later he as born, he was stillborn 😦

 

Little Bryce was born on Wednesday 23rd April 2008 at 3:45pm, weighing 595g and was 29cm long, He looked so peaceful,

The Nurses asked me if i wanted to hold him or dress and bath him, though i couldn’t look or touch him, i couldn’t stand the sight of Bryce,  the nurses took him away to bath him ad to dress him, and to get him ready for what ever had to happen next, i don thin there as a dry eye in the room, even the doctors and nurses where crying, it was a hard day for every one, especially Daniel and I, as our whole world had just been torn apart, we had both just gotten used to the idea that we were going to be parents

 

 

More will follow soon this is all i am able to post at the moment, and i cant seem to stop the tears from flowing

So Angry

I think i could literately hit the roof at the moment and go off at everyone around me.. My stress levels are at an all time HIGH,

Between my everyday life stress, health concerns, Kids, and just plain old crap that people go on about,

 

Its like i have this fire inside me its started smouldering, then with very piece added on top of it it is getting ready to fully ignite, i feel sorry for the poor person that’s going to cop it when i reach boiling point,

Mystery Satchels of Clothing

I have started up a new home business,  Where i made up random mystery satchels full of supre clothing, that still has it tags on, they are brand new never been worn, only thing is it has a mark through the barcode,

At the moment the cloths come in a 3kg satchel, though son i will be doing packs in a 3kg and 5 kg satchel, all clothes are random though they re al of one size, at the moment i am selling a mystery satchel of size “s” clothing

the packs are worth if not exceeding $200 worth of value, and you can get any items from Skirts, Top, Shirts, Pant, Shorts, Jackets, Skirts, the pack i have selling at the moment is here

 

Sizes of packs will either be XXS, XS, S, M, L and possibly XXL

 

 

I have also started up a new Facebook page as well Mystery Satchels Of Clothing feel free to check it out