Bryce’s butterflies

As Daniel and I were driving back from the movies today we passed a bunch of Bryces butterflies and I realised that I am at peace with his death, as much as I am heartbroken and feel empty and still cry I am somewhat at peace.

Thinking about things, I have 2 other beautiful boys and a very special daughter that I wouldn’t have now if bryce didn’t pass away I know that Sou do cruel though if it wasn’t for him passing the doctors wouldn’t of realised that I have a problem and that medical intervention is needed

My heart still feels shattered almost 5 years after his death though I honestly think that I can start piecing it back together,

I know that bryce is still around with his butterflies that are always there when they are needed the most and I see him in the faces of my 3 lovely children everyday

Just because he isn’t on this earth with me physically he is everywhere I look

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Due date

My little boy should of been born this day 4 years ago and not 17 weeks before hand….

This day is a constant reminder. It’s like a kick in the guts that says

ha ha ha sucked in. You child should of been born now though sucked in it didn’t happen

Though I’ll soldier on like I do every year knowing that I can’t charge what happened and now coming to terms as had as it is with I couldn’t of done anything more than what I did

I love you honey I always did and always will

happy due date Bryce xxx

Sadness

This post has taken me a while to write though i think i need to write his, more so for me rather than any one else,

 

Loosing a child is what i think is the most heartbreaking thing a parent can ever go through, as its an intense pain to start with though it never leaves you, it is always there and then there is the constant reminders that you have every day that you child has been taken from you, and you will never see that child grow up and reach all the achievements that he or she would of reached if they lived

 

My child died as a baby, before i really got to know him, or see how his life would of turned out, My son passed away at 23 weeks gestation when i went into unexpected labor, that resulted in a placental abruption, That required me to have 2 blood transfusions at the same time, being on a drip for fluids, also being on an IV to be induced, and having blood thinners going into me all at the same time,

 

I remember screaming at the surgeons, doctors and nurses to cut me an to get him out though they wouldn’t as his survival rate through delivery  was only sitting at 20%,  They told Daniel and I that he wouldn’t survive, and that my life look preference,  I dont remember to much of his delivery, i remember looking over at Daniel and being white as a ghost and telling him i didnt want to do this anymore an that i as tired and just wanted to sleep, i remember Daniel telling me i had to stay awake and that sadly i had to do it, the next thing i know its dark  though i can hear the doctors, Nurses, Surgeons and Daniel all telling me to stay awake and to breath…. After that i dont remember what happened, just that next thing i know i am gasping for breath and i look over at Daniel and he is crying, i dont think i have ever seen a male with so many tears streaming down their face,  though not long after all that happened, the nurse put the Doppler on my belly and his heartbeat was no longer there, and he had stopped moving, my little boy was gone,  he had passed away, 30 mins later he as born, he was stillborn 😦

 

Little Bryce was born on Wednesday 23rd April 2008 at 3:45pm, weighing 595g and was 29cm long, He looked so peaceful,

The Nurses asked me if i wanted to hold him or dress and bath him, though i couldn’t look or touch him, i couldn’t stand the sight of Bryce,  the nurses took him away to bath him ad to dress him, and to get him ready for what ever had to happen next, i don thin there as a dry eye in the room, even the doctors and nurses where crying, it was a hard day for every one, especially Daniel and I, as our whole world had just been torn apart, we had both just gotten used to the idea that we were going to be parents

 

 

More will follow soon this is all i am able to post at the moment, and i cant seem to stop the tears from flowing

1 week… 7 more days…..

Until my hear re shatter’s again… people keep telling me that this day wil get easier and easier though its not if anything its getting harder and harder… as i am thinking about wha the should be doing now, how he would look, how his voice would sound…. and how he wuld be with his brothers ans sister… and just how my life would be knowing i didnt have to walk around with this hole in my heart

 

SO now stupid me is sitting here crying just thinking about all the things that he could of should of been doing…

2nd April 2012

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Turn back time

Today has just been one of those days one of those bad days where all I have wanted to do is cry.
I keep thinking about Bryce and wonder why? Like why did it have to happen to us for? Why was he chosen to die for? Why was he taken away from 2 loving parents for?
I know I will never really have the answers for this though it still doesn’t lessen the pain. I should have 4 children at home with me now not 3.
Don’t get me wrong I live my kids I have at home and I would never give them up for anything I guess I just really miss Bryce its honestly hard to understand how I am feeling right about now unless you are unfortunate to be an angel parent like me.
This is going to sound bad and I really don’t mean for it to though I have has a lot of ladies who have had miscarriages under 12 weeks tell me they know how I feel and what I am going through though in sorry you have no idea how I feel u didn’t have to give birth to a child that was not breathing, you did not have to name your child and watch it get wheeled down the hall way to a cold room, and you didn’t have to bury your child and give your child a funeral so how can you know how I am feeling how can you understand how I am feeling.
I don’t know if I am feeling like this as its coming up to Bryce’s 4th birthday or not though that’s a very long time to feel like a part of your heart has been ripped out and smashed. The sad thing is I can’t even have his photo up for my profile photo on Facebook as it upsets to many people

Once again sorry for such a down post I am just in a very bad head space at the moment