Emotions

I’m having a pretty down today I feel so overwhelmed like everything is getting to me.

I have been up since 4:30am its now 4:25pm and I’m just in a mood I have been all day and have no idea why. I have taken my morning meds plus 2 extra 25mg seriquol tablets and a 5mg Valium and I’m still feeling really depressed……

I had so much I wanted to do today like get out into the garden and plant my marygold seeds. Also wanted to add more veggies into the garden that I first have to dig up.

Though after getting up and cleaning the kitchen folding washing dealing with Dom etc I just really can’t be bothered doing anything. My motivation has gone.

Jordan is heading out to a mates place tonight once dom is in bed and asleep…. I can’t even seem to bring myself to get something out for dinner

I’ve started on a second painting and I honestly think my 5 year old could do better…. Things never turn out like they seem in my head. I do find the painting dies help destress a little though I’m pretty sure I don’t have an artistic bone in my body :'(:'(:'(

I feel like going back inside the deep hole that I crawled out of as things never seem to stuff up like they do now

I have an appointment to see my case manager in Tuesday might be good to speak to her though I’m scared if I open right up that they will re admit me again  I know my meds need to be upped as I know they are not string enough

I just don’t understand why things seem so negative now…..

daily thoughts of Sarah

Head space

My head space really isn’t to good at the moment I feel like I have failed everything. I can’t really control my kids. Deacan mainly he has a temper on him like nothing else it’s even to the point that Daniel finds it hard to some what control him

I think it might be time to go to the doctor and ask for some anti depressants as I’m bit managing on my own. Everything is to much.

I’m so tired all the time all I want to do is sleep, I don’t have energy to do what I need to or the want to do it. I’m constantly looking for work though not getting any call backs just emails saying that unfortunately they can’t give me the job I have even resulted in now placing an ad in the local gun tree to try and get work. It’s just as cleaning though yeah ill see if anything comes of it

1 week… 7 more days…..

Until my hear re shatter’s again… people keep telling me that this day wil get easier and easier though its not if anything its getting harder and harder… as i am thinking about wha the should be doing now, how he would look, how his voice would sound…. and how he wuld be with his brothers ans sister… and just how my life would be knowing i didnt have to walk around with this hole in my heart

 

SO now stupid me is sitting here crying just thinking about all the things that he could of should of been doing…

Let down

I am feeling so let down at the moment and really pissed off I don’t see how family or people who are ment to be family can spend time with other peoples kids though cant seem to find the time to spend it with their own families kids this is one thing that has really pissed me off for a very long time. I have 3 children here that don’t spend much time with their family except my mum and my father in law they are the only family members who spend any great time with them I can’t just pack the kids up and take them off to see people I have to literally pack up half the house if I take the kids any where and people don’t seem to understand that its hard to just get in the car and go, why can’t people come to us for you would think they would jump at the idea to spend time with their own family members I guess I was wrong

Alone

Lately i have been feeling quite lonely and alone, I know i have a heap of friends though they are either on facebook that i can talk to or they are ages away, I have some friends that do live some what close by and some family member’s that come and visit, though i feel really lonely, i very rarely have anyone come and visit for a catch up

 

This is going to sound selfish though i honestly cant remember the last time i went out and had a night to myself where i could really let my hair down and just relax, i know that all changes once you have children though Daniel has been able to do it a bit, he has been able to go out and just forget about everything, just once i would love to though i know i can’t i have the kids here, i can’t see daniel waking up to jade in the middle of the night nore getting up and staying up when the boys get out of bed,

 

Though it would be nice if people did drop in to see me have a cupper with me, and just chat about anything and everything i get quite down being at home all the time and not really having anyone to talk to, my mum comes and visits and has coffee and helps me out, though i know she has her own life and i dont want to keep asking her to come over

 

I honestly dont have the time to really go out, by the time i get the kids to daycare and then come home and clean do washing, bottles etc, its almost time to go and get them again, plus i dont really like having to take jade out all the time, and it would help if i had a car at the moment,

that is off the road until i fix it, as i crashed it the other day and took out both left tires and the rims, so need to fix those and make sure i havent done any other damage to it

 

 

I guess soon i will get a break…. soon….. maybe

Missing Him

So today i am finding myself missing Bryce so much more than normal,

thinking on how life could of been with him here with us, having 4 kids at home instead of 3, wondering what he would be like, what he would look like, what words he would be saying etc, he would be almost 4 now,

 

Life isn’t fair at times, i still dont understand why he was taken from us, i know why i went into labor early for though i dont understand why it had to be us for or even why it had to happen at all honestly,

 

It isnt fair for a family to go through the death of a child, it doesnt matter the age of the child they could be still in the womb all the way up to 80+ years old, for a parent to have to bury their children is just wrong, its heart breaking and devastating,

 

I miss Bryce so much, i would do anything to hold him one more time, to tell him i love him one more time, or just to look at him and tell him that i am sorry,

 

I am sorry that my body could not hold you, Im sorry that my body rejected you, I am sorry that you had to be born before you was ready to be, or before you had a chance of survival,

 

I am really sorry honey, I love you so very much, And i am sure that you 2 younger brothers love you and your little sister loves you to,

Brain Damage

So yesterday while i was up seeing Jade, the physio lady came and hunted me down, She said that she had done an assessment on Jade the day before and that Jade has really high muscle tone, and asked how long i was going to be staying up there for yesterday as she wanted to show me ways to help reduce it the severity of things, I asked her if that meant Jade had brain damage, and she nodded her head to say yes, so i asked “what sort of brain damage are we talking about? her being just a little slow or all the way up to cerably palsy (sorry about spelling)?” She said that Jade wouldn’t be diagnosed with any of that until at least the age of 2, though with her history of seizures, her meningitis, apneas and bradycardias  and the blood clots that she did have in her ventricals of her brain things are not looking good

 

Jade had her repeat head ultrasound yesterday and it is showing that the fluid/bleed/blood clots are starting to resolve them selves so that’s a good thing, though her top ventricals are still enlarged, i need to wait until after 11am today after the Doctors have done their rounds to speak to them and see what they are going to plan to do, like if she needs to have a MRI or have a shunt put in or if they are just going t leave it

 

What are we going to do if Jade does have brain damage? I am so scared for her i really truly am, If she does Daniel and I are not going to love her any less, though what type of life is she going to have? The doctors cant seem to give me any straight answers though i want to have answers now so i can start preparing us for what might come, and so we can help Jade the best ways that we can, also research ways to help, though how can we help until we know what is happening or wrong…..

 

So its now looking like Jade wont be home for Christmas from what i can see, as they will need to have everything sorted, we always seem to get one step closer to the door then something happens that puts us 3 steps back, I’m sorry if it seems like i am just whining about nothing though i need to get it out, I’m just scared and worried for Jade that’s all