Emotions

I’m having a pretty down today I feel so overwhelmed like everything is getting to me.

I have been up since 4:30am its now 4:25pm and I’m just in a mood I have been all day and have no idea why. I have taken my morning meds plus 2 extra 25mg seriquol tablets and a 5mg Valium and I’m still feeling really depressed……

I had so much I wanted to do today like get out into the garden and plant my marygold seeds. Also wanted to add more veggies into the garden that I first have to dig up.

Though after getting up and cleaning the kitchen folding washing dealing with Dom etc I just really can’t be bothered doing anything. My motivation has gone.

Jordan is heading out to a mates place tonight once dom is in bed and asleep…. I can’t even seem to bring myself to get something out for dinner

I’ve started on a second painting and I honestly think my 5 year old could do better…. Things never turn out like they seem in my head. I do find the painting dies help destress a little though I’m pretty sure I don’t have an artistic bone in my body :'(:'(:'(

I feel like going back inside the deep hole that I crawled out of as things never seem to stuff up like they do now

I have an appointment to see my case manager in Tuesday might be good to speak to her though I’m scared if I open right up that they will re admit me again  I know my meds need to be upped as I know they are not string enough

I just don’t understand why things seem so negative now…..

daily thoughts of Sarah

Haven’t been on much

Sorry I haven’t been in much or posted anything in like for ever so much has been happening and I haven’t really been in the best head space either

So much to say its hard to know where to start so I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense and it seems like I’m rambling though I guess ill just type as it comes to my head

Things have been pretty full on lately between Daniel and the very high possibility if him loosing his job, to me starting my new business and finding it hard to get get clients though the clients I have now are lovely, to it almost being Bryce’s 5th birthday, Deacan and his issues and now Jason with his possible ADD or ADHD

Deacan has an appointment next week with a physiatrist to be assessed for his behavioural issues melt downs tantrums, deacan has all of a sudden become so clingy and touchy feely with Jade it’s like he has to smother her and it can become quiet creepy to the point I have to get Jim away from her… I hope we get some answers soon as I am really starting to feel like a horrible mum as u am unable to control him

With the 99-100% chance of Daniel about to loose his job has put so much pressure onto both of us. As I have just started up my own cleaning company and finding it harder than I originally thought to get clients I have some already and they are all lovely and great though just not as many as I would like. Daniel mentioned to me the other night about possibly going to the mines for work though yes the money would be great I just don’t know how we would all go having 3 weeks with out each other then 2 weeks with each other I honestly don’t know how the kids would go or even how I would go…. Mo et would be great though as we could get out of debit and hopefully start saving for a house

So it’s coming up to Bryce’s 5th birthday soon, the years seem to be going faster and faster though at the same time going slower ad slower I really hate myself as I am starting to forget him and I really don’t want to, I forget how his skin felt what it felt like to hold him and to look at him people tell me as the years go on it gets easier though is that because you start forgetting?????

I don’t know if its just all the stress with hormones added into it though I really feel like breaking point is just about to come

Appalled

I am so angry with yesterday…… i am still that angry now i can not talk to Daniel, he has my blood boiling….

 

Yesterday as stressful enough with Jade having her convulsions and with me being up at the hospital with her, let alone coming home to a very trashed house and 2 very unruly children,

 

Yes i know Daniel was sleep deprived though so was i,  though when all 3 kids were here at home while h was sleeping, i was still ale to manage a sink full of dishes, put a load of washing on, vacuum a couple of time and some what clean up, yes the house was still a mess, though when the ambulance got here both te boys were asleep in the lounge,

 

I cam home there was a complete sink full of dishes and bottles, the house was trashed from head to toe, there were food scraps everywhere, crap was broken and left laying around, and there was rubbish all over the bench….

 

If it wasnt bad enough i had to come home to that, let alone my own mother helping me clean it up while daniel was either on the computer or sitting in the lounge,

 

I went into him and told him he could at least get off his ass and give me a hand so my own mother didnt have to do it,  so he just came out and stood behinde Jason while he was eating… granted he DID take the boys for a bath, though that was while mum and i were still cleaning the house,

It was great to see that during the time that he was up yesterday he still had time to some what relax and eat…..

 

I didnt have a chance to eat at all yesterday  until the boys were in bed and asleep and then it was like 8pm….

 

I will surely be talking to him about this as crap needs to change i am not a door mat, let alone a slave, running a house is a two way street not a one way street… after everything that had happened yesterday some help would of been great, though i guess i am just dreaming hey…..

 

Though dnail will more than likely read this, or someone else will and will go back running to him and bitching to him about tough you know what go for it… seriously if you want to get into his ear and cause even more drama go right a head….. i know you will any how

Stressed to the max……

today is seriously one of those days, i just wantto go to bed and wake up for it to be another day a new day, I haeto do so much today, and i just honestly dont have the energy,

 

I seem to live with a house full of grots, i am constantly cleaning up after all the boys, granted that Jason and Deacan are only 1 and 2, they try to help out though get board and go and do something else yesterday i vacuumed the house like 4 bloody times, with no help, no help picking up the toys or putin te rubbish in the bin, plus doing all the other house work to,

as for today, what do you know i have to vacuum again, put al the rubbish in the bin, still tend to Jade as she is unsettled, i have been up since about 2am with the kids, i have no chance on catching up on sleep as there is just so much to do here, Like seriously i know i am a mother and a house wife though why is it ME that has to do everything?

 

Sarah’s Charms should be up and running in like a week maybe two taking orders so i will be flat out, doing jades appointments, cleaning up after everyone and doing that as well,

 

Plus on top of everything i can hardly move my whole body is hurting, from my whole back to my hips to my neck and to my shoulders,  I dont know if it is just out or i am coming down with the flu, though i cant spend all day in bed sleeping it off i have responsibilities that i have to keep up with

 

 

Oh wel better just suck it up and deal with it i guess

 

Facebook

ok so this post has been a long time coming and i really dont give two whoots who this pisses off, though i have had enough

 

My facebook page is MY facebook page, i WILL write on there WHAT and WHEN i choose to, if you dont want to read it there is a delete button or a block button that you are more than welcome to use,

 

I dont think i should tailor what i write to suit everyone, i have a lot of family and friends on my facebook page that i stay in contact with and i have bugger all reception on my mobile inside the house so i post stuff on facebook so everyone can see it because they actually care and want to know

 

SO for all the know it alls and smart asses out there you can just f*ck off i dont need your two cents worth on crap i post,

 

I am going through a VERY stressful time at the moment, sorry correction its not just me my family and I are going through a very stressful time at the moment and i will post what i want, you should all think about what you are going to say or type before you do, its jsut down right rude of some people

 

and if you dont like this post either press the delete button i would be more than grateful to get rid of all the negative people in my life as at the moment all i need around me is positive vibes and no ones crap bringing me down,

 

I have a little girl in hospital who is sick who needs me and needs me to be strong for her and not to be stressed, and i have two very small boys here that need me to, so for just once just think about what you are going to say or write before you do

The Internet

Have you ever notice that there is always that one people in every group that has to make things difficult or a bad experience for everyone,

 

so take Facebook for an example, there is always someone on everyone’s friends list that has to be the one who has an answer for everything, the person who knows it all, and could never be wrong, I have a  couple on my friends list  that always seem to know everything even if they haven’t been through the same or similar situation themselves,  or they always have to put their 2 cents worth in, it can become quite annoying at times, as you make a post then you wait for some type of smart-ass reply to come from that person who in all honesty has no clue.

You also have the stalkers on Facebook, the ones who follow everything you do, they join pages/games that you do, if you add someone as a friend they have to add them as well, or they add your family members and they don’t even know them like come on seriously who does that?

 

Then you also have other internet sites or forums, its amazing how people act so “tough”  how insecure must a person have to be to sit behind a computer screen and cause a whole heap of problems for other people, they must have a pretty pathetic life they have to stalk you on forums, go every place that you go to, read every topic that you post just so they can cause drama and make you feel pretty low about yourself and for the choices that you have made, though i bet any money on it, that if you got them face to face they would do anything they wouldn’t be so tough then,

Or you have people who have been through a situation once and they think they know everything to it, and what ever you say is wrong and you don’t know what you talking about,

 

What is it with people who have to bully on the internet? what do people get out of it? does it make them feel special knowing that they can cause someone so much pain or stress just to make themselves look bigger,  so i guess it doesn’t matter where you go on the internet you always seem to get people like that